| Author |
Message |
Emmett Dwyer (Emmett)
New member
Username: Emmett
Post Number: 195
Registered: 12-2007
| | Posted on Monday, June 07, 2010 - 3:00 pm: | |
Mr. Tostig, you know, I couldn't help but notice that your best friend, Bubba Patel, that his initials are "BP"; and to some folks along the coast, well let's just say that to some folks those two initials are a four letter word.
Anyway, the point is, it might not be so easy to get my Cajun fishing pals to swing a sushi connection for anyone whose related to a "BP" right now.
Not only that, but you might not want to let on that you love "BP" like a brother; not even in Houston.
You know that video of a monster that chased Mr. Walletbender right out of the Gulf? Well it turns out that a company by the name of "Busted Pipe," or "BP" for short, done set that monster loose; and most folks ain't too happy about it either.
But, I'll speak with Gaspar and see what he can do for Bubba's uncle; Bhagawag Ya'davy Om Bugey. Gaspar likes a good BYOB as much as the next guy.
Emmett
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Emmett Dwyer (Emmett)
New member
Username: Emmett
Post Number: 196
Registered: 12-2007
| | Posted on Monday, June 07, 2010 - 3:10 pm: | |
"By the way, all the people up here that know Bubba, loves Bubba like a brother too. That saying is on many of our bumper stickers and I'd have one on my truck if it had bumpers."
Mr. Tostig, did I read your email correctly? Is it true that people are riding around Putnam with bumper stickers that say "Alvin Loves Bubba"?
How's your girlfriend feel about that? |
Alvin Tostig (Alvin_tostig)
New member
Username: Alvin_tostig
Post Number: 196
Registered: 9-2007
| | Posted on Tuesday, June 08, 2010 - 8:10 am: | |
Mr. Dwyer,
No you did not read my e-mail correctly. The bumper stickers say "I Love Bubba Like A Brother And Only A Brother." And it just ain't Putnam, they're all around West Texas, anyone that has been fortunate to met Bubba & Dahlia and received their hospitality and kindness have those bumper stickers. Even Miss Marsha has a bumper sticker. She is almost finished with her exams at the Haskell County Law School and Bait Shop.
Bubba can't help that his initials are the same as BP. After all, what's in a name or initials.
BBQ Yadav hopes that you can get him a good deal on sushi.
"Bubbles In My Beer"
Respectfully,
Alvin Tostig
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Emmett Dwyer (Emmett)
New member
Username: Emmett
Post Number: 197
Registered: 12-2007
| | Posted on Monday, June 21, 2010 - 12:34 pm: | |
Mr. Tostig, I've been speaking with Gaspar and all 49 of his cousins about getting BBQ Yadav a good deal on sushi, but the best I can do is to get him a good deal on vegetarian sushi. Okra is coming into season, and wrapped with plantain and mirliton it's the best any of them can do.
However Gaspar has a few other products under development that might interest Bubba and the boys. He's got a shrimp fire starter that's great for getting the BBQ ablaze. He's says right now if you take any three Gulf shrimp, put a match to them, you'll get a blaze that'll set a concrete cinderblock aflame.
He's trying to find a packing company that will make asbestos envelopes so he can sell "Fire Starting Shrimp" at the lawn and garden centers. Gaspar thinks they'll be a hit with the Garden District crowd come 4th of July.
He's also working up an explosive device that I am sworn not to discuss for national security reasons. But I'll tell you this much, it involves wrapping nine oysters around 12 shrimp and a fuse. We may see these in time for the 4th of July too; just be sure to watch your fingers.
Anyway, sorry to get confused about your bumperstickers "I love Bubba Like a Brother and Only a Brother" but I gotta ask, did anyone think you were strange for passing those bumperstickers out?
Emmett |
Alvin Tostig (Alvin_tostig)
New member
Username: Alvin_tostig
Post Number: 197
Registered: 9-2007
| | Posted on Thursday, July 01, 2010 - 3:41 pm: | |
Mr. Dwyer,
I wasn't passing out the "I love Bubba Like a Brother and Only a Brother" stickers, Allsups was passing them out a few years ago when customers bought a dozen of their burritos. Allsups and Bubba are well loved up here.
I talked to my buddy Casey “Chopsticks” Crankshaft of Colorado City. He's that guy that bought that Chinese restaurant deal from me that I bought from you. He said he is getting some good stuff from the Gulf now, "STP Albacore." He puts it on the grill and it cooks within a minute. He is making a killing.
I got some great news. No, I'm not getting married. Dahlia's cross eyed twin sister Dasharath and Tony "Twofer" Collins gave birth to twin girls last week in Snyder. Luckily, the the newborns have strait eyes. When I heard that they were expecting, I was worried about that. But two cross eyed parents can have normal eyed babies. Now I am worried with the parents eyesite, how will they ever feed the youngins or put diapers on them. Seems like they'd miss the target or put the pin in the wrong place. But I'm sure they will work things out some how.
Respectfully,
Alvin Tostig
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Emmett Dwyer (Emmett)
New member
Username: Emmett
Post Number: 198
Registered: 12-2007
| | Posted on Friday, July 02, 2010 - 7:44 am: | |
Mr. Tostig, that is remarkably good news for Tony Twofer and Dasharath, but I wouldn't worry about the two of them being able to care for those twin girls.
You see, people with disabilities are quite capable of navigating their way through life. Just look at Tony, he navigated right through Dasharath and now has two girls to show for it.
Oh yeah, I done heard of that STP Albacore, but I think it ought to be sold with a warning label. Let me tell you why.
Gaspar's mother bought some of that albacore to make a casserole for a fais do do she was going to down at St. Germaine's.
She had the oven preheated to 375, and slid the casserole onto the middle shelf, closed the oven, and went outside to smoke her pipe.
No sooner had she lit up when she heard a "boom." She turned around just in time to see the side door of her FEMA trailor blow open.
She rushed inside the smokey trailor and found the oven door embedded in the wall just beneath a photo of Pope JP2. Poor Pope, he looked like he'd been guillotined.
There was nothing left of the casserole, just shards of white glass everywhere. Hey, cest la vie to St. Germaine's fais do do.
Anyway, Gaspar is still working up some new applications for seafood technology. He's taken his bamboo fishing poles and attached a small metal basket on one end. He filled the basket with shrimp, put a flame to the shrimp, and voila; he got himself a Gulf Coast Tiki Lamp!
Not only does it cast a sexy blue flame, but he swears it drives away mosquitos better than a citronella candle. Yep, he says he ain't seen a skeeter in weeks, not even when the lamp is out. Now, how's that for pest control!
You know, if we can figure out how to get a fuse up a crafish's tail we might have some wild fireworks come Sunday.
Ok, Alvin, have a good 4th, and stay off the road.
Emmett |
Alvin Tostig (Alvin_tostig)
New member
Username: Alvin_tostig
Post Number: 198
Registered: 9-2007
| | Posted on Friday, August 06, 2010 - 10:43 am: | |
Mr. Dwyer,
By golly, you are a guy that makes it tough to keep up with.
Sorry that it has been awhile for me to post on this Forum, but with the combination of me trying to get my boot business started in the big city of Haskell, and dating Miss Marsha Mellow, it has been hard to find the time to set down by the computer.
Its different being in the big city of Haskell. There is more taller buildings and trees, I can’t see past a hundred yards here. There’s a traffic light, more stop signs, and a Courthouse square that I’m having trouble getting use to. Last night I drove around and around the square several times before I could figure how to drive out of it. I even got lost a few times in town. But they have a Dairy Queen, an Allsups, and even a Sonic, so me and Miss Mellow have more places to eat than Aspermont does.
Plus, I’ve decided to take a course in lawyering at the Haskell County Law School and Bait Shop. Now I’m not planning on being competition Mr. Dwyer. I just thought it would be neat to take a class or two with Miss Mellow, it gives us more time to know each other. We’re both taking the class, “Introduction into Lawyering 101.” We had to watch Perry Mason dvds for the first week, followed by a week of Matlock. Since I hardly watch television, this was hard to follow. Then the professor went into all the difficult lawyering terms like “I object,” “Fiduciary,” ”Quid Pro Quo,” and the very important terms, “contingency fee,” and “retainer.”
Last week, we were taught how to be ambulance chasers with out getting run over by the ambulance. I’m sure many a lawyer has been seriously injured by chasing ambulances, so you need to know all the ins and outs. My professor said that I did pretty good in that part of the class, I guess because of all my time I spent rodeoing and all the practice I had with Tubby and Earl of the Tubby and Earl’s Aspermont Medical Rescue Squad, Auto Towing Service and Legal Clinic. They’ve been known to clip a few chasers.
I doubt if I go much farther than Introduction into Lawyering 102.” They say that course is even harder. I think they have to watch Ally McBeal dvds and you have to learn more Latin words too.
The fine people of Putnam are thriving with the new businesses that have set up in town. The Bitter Inn is full of guests every week. My best friend Navin “Bubba” Patel’s (who I love like a brother and only a brother), twin brother Ranjit “Buster” Patel, is making a killing driving a ricshaw. Bubba’s second cousin on his mamma’s side, Bhagwandas Bodhi “BBQ” Yadav is selling more BBQ then ever. Bubba’s cousin on his daddy’s side, Barhata “Beer Belly” Patel is selling more beer, and opened up a bar in the hotel. Looks like with my ideas and your contacts with rich people has worked for the fine people of Putnam.
"One Million Lawyers and Other Disasters"
Respectfully,
Alvin Tostig
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Emmett Dwyer (Emmett)
New member
Username: Emmett
Post Number: 199
Registered: 12-2007
| | Posted on Monday, August 09, 2010 - 9:51 am: | |
WARNING A SHOCKING STORY YOU MAY NOT WANT TO READ!!!!
[I’M NOT FOOLING!]
THE TRUE ACCOUNT OF HOW John “Booger” Beekman GOT HIS NAME
A violent episode in the otherwise unremarkable career of an unremarkable lawyer
Mr. Tostig, I am glad to hear that Mr. Walletbender’s stimulus package is providing employment to the entire Patel syndicate. I expect it won’t be too long before the Patels and everyone else who drew on Mr. Walletbender’s letter of credit will start paying him back; you know, he told me he’s really not interested in owning a company town.
As for your decision to study the law, I applaud your interest. Every citizen should learn something about the law for no other reason than having to deal with the occasional speeding ticket, property transaction, or tax collector. However, I caution you not to stray from the bootmaking path and enter the murky and hazardous world of law.
Being a lawyer is one of the most hazardous occupations on earth. It’s not just the pack of cigarettes you have to consume before breakfast, or the artery clogging fast food you eat on the fly, or even the late nights, but its all of those and more. For example; you’ll be required to consume enough alcohol in a single year to send Willy Nelson’s alternative fuel truck around the equator three times.
You’ll have to carry a Blackberry to run your business, and two cell phones [one for your girlfriend, and one for your wife]; and you’ll have to learn proper attorney communication etiquette; i.e., return all calls from bailbondsmen, cops, and the press, but never return a call from a client.
You’ll have to learn to arrive late for all meetings; and when you do arrive, convincingly blame everyone who’s there for coming early and starting without you. And be very, very careful of your clients and their families; in fact, if you ever see one of your clients coming towards you in a parking lot turn around and run. And should you happen to do any divorce work, learn to stay at least an arm’s length away from your client’s spouse lest you wind up like John “Booger” Beekman.
Yeah, that’s right, haven’t I told you about “Booger” Beekman and how he got his name? I hate to repeat myself, unless it’s a good story, and you know this story is worth repeating just as a warning to you should you start considering opening an office with Tubby and Earl; fact is, you might want to pass this one on to them too.
John Beekman was a very aggressive attorney, and his clients liked that, especially his clients who would come to see him about a divorce. They wanted to see him beat up on their soon to be ex-spouse, humiliate them, or make them cry --something he would promise to do.
One day a Serbian refugee came to see Attorney Beekman by the name of Sergi Surgenoff. We knew Sergi around town as Sergi the Serbian; he’d escaped the war with his wife, Svetlana, who was a Croat. They had to leave their homeland once the war broke out because one side or the other would threaten to kill one or the other of them every other day.
The two of them had a shared drinking problem that put most members of the bar to shame. One day Sergi thought he’d sobered up, believed his life was a disaster, and blamed Svetlana for everything, so he hired Attorney Beekman to sue Svetlana for divorce.
On a warm Tuesday morning one August they were all in Courtroom B in front of Judge Hoffman who was nodding off at the bench. Sergi was sitting at the plaintiff’s table; the stenographer, Jane Ditto, was typing away; Svetlana was on the witness stand; Willy Longshot, a nosey nobody from nowhere, was reading the paper in the back of the courtroom; the Bailiff sat in the jury box texting his paintball club; Attorney Beekman was on his feet haranguing Svetlana about her conduct as Sergi’s wife.
As his harangue began to wind up in velocity and vitriol, Attorney Beekman began to walk closer and closer to Svetlana till he stood right in front of her not an arm’s length away, jabbing the air with his finger right in Svetlana’s face. Her eyes began to grow wider, and her complexion became red.
Maybe it was one too many finger jabs in the face, or maybe it was the three dollar words he used that Svetlana didn’t understand, but, whatever it was, just as Attorney Beekman was midsentence Svetlana suddenly reached out, grabbed him by his ears, pulled his face towards hers, and bit the end of his nose off, turned her head to the left, and spit the end of his nose onto the floor pushing him away from her all in one deft motion.
Needless to say, bedlam broke out in the courtroom. The only cool thinker was Jane Ditto the stenographer, who scooped up the nose in a Dixie cup filled with ice. Hoffman fell backwards in his chair; his robe flew up over his head and he started screaming, the courtroom filled with people as the bailiff rushed to slap Svetlana in cuffs, Sergi started crying, and Booger [by now I guess you can see how he got his name] just stood there in shock with blood squirting out his head like a newly dehorned steer.
Svetlana was hauled off in a straitjacket along with Booger Beekman to the hospital. Though they shared an ambulance ride, upon arrival he went to the emergency room and she to the psych ward.
Sergi cried all night and filled with remorse the following morning hired another attorney to sue Booger for assaulting Svetlana and defaming her character. Booger settled out of court with Sergi, who never paid for the divorce work claiming that Booger never actually got him a divorce; which was true. It was all for naught. Sergi and Svetlana moved to San Francisco and opened an articifial limb company for landmine victims.
Yes Booger’s nose was reattached, but the angle was slightly off which caused his eyeglasses to slide ever so slowly down his nose whenever he spoke. Booger also acquired a reflexive gesture whenever someone came close to him; his left arm would jerk up in the air like Dr. Strangelove and his head would turn away.
Well, there you have it, the true story of how John “Booger” Beekman got his name, and why I advise against entering the law as a full time career.
Emmett
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Alvin Tostig (Alvin_tostig)
New member
Username: Alvin_tostig
Post Number: 199
Registered: 9-2007
| | Posted on Thursday, August 12, 2010 - 3:47 pm: | |
Mr. Dwyer,
Don’t you worry, I don’t have any plans of making a career out of lawyering. I’ rather go snake hunting in Sweetwater. But I do appreciate you warning me. In fact, you did me a big favor my telling me about Mr. Beekman. With your post, and some researching that I did at the fine Haskell County Law School and Bait Shop Law Library, located in the corner next to the earthworm box, I decided to do a research paper on Mr. Beekman for extra credit. I turned it in today, and our professor, the honorable Ms. Laura Norder, she read it and said that I didn’t have to attend Introduction into Lawyering 101 anymore. But I will, I’m just taking it to be with Miss Mellow.
But that's a sad story about Mr. Beekman. But tell him everything can be overcome. Look at me, I have a wart reattached for a thumb and I'm doing well. I bet if I soaked Mr. Beekman's nose in some Tostig porridge, it would straiten up. I bet he has a heck of a time blowing out his nose.
My parents stopped by for a visit from their recent vacation. They went to the DeLeon Peach and Melon and Tractor Pull. But they told me that they stopped in Putnam on the way back, ate at the BBQ stand. They planned on staying the night at The Bitter Inn, but it was booked up with the Amalgamated Flying Saucer Clubs of America, convention. From what they heard, the convention was there to select a candidate for President of the USA on the Flying Saucer Party ticket. Just think, Putnam may be instrumental in selecting the next President. Do you think I ought to have Biscuit go to Putnam and get nominated?
"If My Nose Was Runnin' Money, I'd Blow It All On You."
Respectfully,
Alvin Tostig |
Emmett Dwyer (Emmett)
New member
Username: Emmett
Post Number: 200
Registered: 12-2007
| | Posted on Friday, August 20, 2010 - 8:30 am: | |
Mr. Tostig, don't you worry none about Booger Beekman. I came up with an easy solution for his glasses sliding off his nose; Crazy Glue.
I seen a feller use it on his forehead once to close a gash caused by his wife. I recommended it to Booger. Only drawback is Booger got a little messy with that glue and now he sleeps with his eyes open.
As for that convention happening right now at the Bitter Inn, I think Biscuit would make an excellent choice as the Flying Saucer Party candidate for President. Try to get over to the Bitter Inn before the nominations close. While you're there say hello to your uncle from LaGrange, and tell him to waive a flashlight for me.
Tell him next year I plan on attending the Amalgamated Flying Saucer Club convention if I can get a ride. Any chance I can get one of those saucers to stop down near Jackson Sq. and pick me and the Chief up? I'll give a case of Dixie and 30 lbs of pre-oiled crayfish to the saucer driver that stops right here next to Andy Jackson.
Say, second thought, I better skip the 30lbs of crayfish. I don't want some alien to think I'm eating one of his cousins.
Yeah, well, the point is, I have to get to that convention next year; the planet is evaporating. I'll explain it in another post, meanwhile, try to get Biscuit nominated, he may be the only one who can save us.
Hey, congratulations on your academic achievments; who knows, you might wind up notarized in public.
Emmett |
Emmett Dwyer (Emmett)
New member
Username: Emmett
Post Number: 201
Registered: 12-2007
| | Posted on Friday, August 20, 2010 - 8:36 am: | |
PS; if the aliens are coming in spaceships what good will it do to build a fence along the Rio Grand? e. |
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